SnarkyMoms

Prior to me giving birth to our son in 2005, we child proofed the house as if we would be bringing home a 9 month old. We had all plug covers in place, toilet-lid locks securing both thrones, most cabinet doors and drawers latched with those annoying child-proof pushy downy white thingies. We were SOLID.

Fast forward to March 2008: our once infant son is now 2.5 (going on 15) and it is time to child-proof the house all over again. Nope, not because we are having another child (BLANK STARE AS I HOLD SHARPENED KNIFE DARING MY HUSBAND TO COME NEAR ME), but because Ben has discovered all kinds of mischief to get into that my husband, Paul, and I have never thought of. I realized this about two weeks ago when Paul and I were trying to open a new umbrella stroller together. I DESPISE all those plastic ties those goddamned things are strewn with - it was like getting into Fort Knox, FFS. Ben decided to be helpful and quit doing his frantic hopping-skip-hot-diggity-dog-dance. It’s when he stopped screaming, “MY GREEN ONE! MY GREEN ONE!” and ran off that we should have worried. Uhhhh…no….now we could curse in peace at the latched down Green One.

Suddenly, there were scissors in my face - bobbing and weaving in front of my eyes - while Ben giggled gleefully, “Cutting MY GREEN ONE! CUTTING MY GREEN ONE!” Yeah. Very helpful, son. Thank you for the heart failure. I snatched those away and Paul immediately started in, “Where the FUCK did he get those?!?” Good question except now Ben was hot-diggity-digging to a new jingle, “FUCK GREEN ONE! FUCK MY GREEN ONE!” (Blank stare…)

We got through unpacking the almighty green one and moved on to explore where in the FUCK Ben found one of the most useful and dangerous monkey tools we have in our home. As it turns out, the only way he could have reached them was by figuring out those annoying child-proof pushy downy white thingies that we have on the kitchen drawers and reaching in and getting lucky (or not so lucky as the case may be). Shit. My husband immediately removed the drawers from the kitchen that have “contraband” in them - such as useful everyday items like utensils for eating, scissors, sharpened knives (aHEM) and maintenance items such as screwdrivers, matches, extra keys. NOW, of course, Ben has stuffed laundry (clean? dirty? who KNOWS!) into these holes but he isn’t bringing us scissors any more either.

We are now systematically going through the house and re-child-proofing. We are no longer assuming our previous efforts are continuing to be safe. We are ASSUMING he will thwart our best efforts. We KNOW he is smarter than we are. For the time being, I’m teaching him to stay out of the kitchen cabinets and remaining drawers. He dearly loves being asked to retrieve his snacks from the pantry and his drinks from the fridge so when he gives into temptation to get into spaces he is not allowed, he loses these dearly loved priveleges and the gate goes up across the kitchen doorway. Our kitchen is small and we are having a hard time rearranging the dangerous items in there and getting them fully out of his reach without having to remove them completely from the kitchen. For example, the drawers with all the sharps and “explosives” are STILL locked in our master bedroom closet. Not. Kidding.

Meanwhile, we are working on the rest of the house - getting the mini-blind cords higher and out of his reach (i.e. they live on the roof now), rearranging storage in the bathrooms so that the faucets are safe and he can only get what we want him to have, rearranging his bedroom and double-checking all furniture anchors. We discovered we had failed to replace the furniture anchor on our huge tv when we received it back from the shop so we replaced it and added another. We have used these websites for advice on “Re-child-proofing” at A Healthy Me and Parent Center. We are also finding Buzzillions useful for product safety gadget reviews.