SnarkyMoms

Yes, that’s the name of a recent spam comment.  I love the internet.

Pay attention to your titles.  Blog titles catch the eyes of spam bots and other web crawlers.  Titles with, uh, unfortunate word combinations in them inspire an onslaught of spam comments that can turn the stomach of even the most experienced of the viagra-spam-email-receiving set.  I’m not sure I understand the value of comments that contain a sprinkling of unconnected words nearly always containing “c*ck” or “d!ck” and the ubiquitious website link (to what site?  Heck if I know where those links go, I’m sure I’d get a virus or an STD or something if I click there).  Surely there is some great worth to these things since my post titled “Very Very Hairy” has been the owner of more than 16 of such comments.  I suspect that it’s the “Hairy” and not the “Very” that inspired the spam attack.

So from now on, I’ll watch my language.  And maybe I’ll go back and title that post “Extra Long Locks.”

If someone you know has a kid with allergies, please don’t tell them that their kid will grow out of them.  First of all, it may not be true.  Most kids outgrow some allergies, but only 20 percent of those suffering peanut allergies do.  And kids with multiple food allergies are less likely to outgrow them.  So when I tell you that my child is allergic to literally everything, please don’t minimize it with some crap platitude that means nothing. 

Second of all, while it’s nice to believe that the child will outgrow the allergies and be able to eat whatever crosses his or her plate in the future, that doesn’t make life any easier right now.  At this very moment, I’m up late because my daughter is suffering.  Again.  For the third night in a row.  Because of probably less than a tablespoon of a new food carefully trialed over a three day period. 

So unless you really know what you are talking about, shut the f!ck up.  Tell me you’re sorry, that it must be hard, or something like that.  Offer to help me if you feel the need to try to make me feel better.  You could pick up an extra box of safe crackers the next time you’re at the health food store, or watch my healthy kid while I’m at the doctor with the sick one, or something like that.

And for heaven’s sake, don’t say what one mom recently did: “I know it’s hard with the allergies but in some way, I envy your situation.  You have to read all the labels and stuff already, and you have to shop in the health food store, so clearly your kids are eating healthier foods than mine.”

Yeah, I had no real answer to that.  She was really earnest and not at all trying to be a bitch, so what could I do?  Stupidity isn’t something she can help, you know?

I have a child with a health problem. You’d be amazed at how many people feel compelled to offer unsolicited advice about her care.

The thing is, they have no freaking clue what they are talking about.  They think they do, maybe because they’ve read about it, or because their uncle’s cousin’s brother has something similar, or just because they think they know a lot about everything. 

But see, the thing is, I’m not stupid.  You can rest assured that if they figured out some whiz bang answer in the three minutes since they’ve heard about my child’s disorder, I’ve thought of it too.  I’ve either tried it and it didn’t work, or else I didn’t try it because it was dangerous or otherwise not a good idea.

I’ve also been to many doctors’ appointments dealing with the problem. Many. MAANNNNYYYYY.  I feel like there’s a good chance that my doctors and other health professionals have some sort of knowledge of what they are talking about.  Now, I certainly don’t hang on each doctors’ every word and accept what they say unfailingly.  Nope, doctors make mistakes too, and I’ve seen too many conflicting doctors’ orders to still believe wholeheartedly in the all-mighty MD.  But I do think that, again, if some acquaintance, or relative, or friend can come up with the idea with very little info to go on, if it’s a good one most likely the doctor has already told me to try it.

There are many people whose medical advice I will request. Friends who are nurses, parents of kids with similar problems… these are legitimate sources of help. 

But if I’m talking to you about my kid’s health, I’m not asking you for advice. Most likely I just want to update you on her condition.  Perhaps I want a shoulder to whine and cry on, or maybe I just want you to listen and commiserate with me a bit.  Please don’t misinterpret my discussing the situation with you as a request for you to try to cure my kid, or to give me any suggestions about how to do so.   YOU DON’T KNOW ANY.  So please, just stop. 

It’s not yet June, but it seems like wedding talk is already creeping into the media. Brad and Angelina, did they or didn’t they?  (Didn’t).  Beyonce and Jay Z, did they or didn’t they? (Don’t know, or care, actually).

I’m kind of suprised that some of these famous people even get married to be honest.  Brad and Angelina have a billion kids, they live together… what’s the point of getting married now?  It’s not like they need the tax or insurance benefits!

It seems to me that what drives most of us to the formality of marriage is the desire to form a permanent union within which to have kids, make a home together, and that sort of thing.  If you already have all that, what makes you decide to “make it legal?”

And after living as a married couple for so long, is it cool to have a big wedding, with flowers, bridesmaids in fancy dresses, the whole shebang?  I’m sure at one point in time people frowned on that, but what about today? 

You’d think that, since I’m one of the six married people under the age of 40 who didn’t live with my spouse before we married, that I’d have some kind of hang up or major disapproval for a big wedding after a long live-in arrangement.  In fact, I personally don’t care how people get married - big or small, whatever.  But I do think it’s nice if they actually get married in the end.  There’s just something about being an 87-year-old living with his “girlfriend” that just doesn’t sound right!

This blog has been brought to you by the folks at http://blog.wedding-needs.com/

I’m getting lots of spam in my comments section.  That can only mean that the spammers of the internet have found us here at snarkymoms!  Wohoo - we’re worthy of spam!  I feel so honored!  You know you’ve gotten somewhere when people want to advertise for free on your site.

Hope I don’t wear out my delete key getting rid of their pointless comments

Today I went to both the dentist and the gynocologist.  Do you know how many people felt compelled to say, “Ah, you got checked out from top to bottom, huh”?  At least three.  Everybody’s a comedian.

Last night I spent 30 minutes and my entire Venus Breeze built-in shaving cream strip de-hairing various parts of my body, as if the gynocologist compared coochies and gave out style awards.  Still, I somehow felt uncomfortable presenting my nice, funny, cute doctor with a crotch that resembled a Jim Henson creation.  I bet I’m not the only one.

Now, I’m sure that many women shave/wax/whatever their legs, armpits, and nether regions on a daily basis so that they never need to rush to meet a gynocological deadline.  These women obviously do not have children.  Any mom who has time in the shower to do more than Pert Plus and go is having a really good day.

Lack of shaving time is not only caused by having only a few minutes to spare.  It also occurs because moms rarely shower without a small person peeking around the curtain. It’s bad enough to have to explain anatomy to a two year old… no one wants to talk about why we have to take a razor to that same anatomy. 

I’m not even sure why Mommies have to have hairless legs and pits while Daddies get to bask in their hairiness.  Daddies, who often manage to carve out the time to poop in private, don’t have to eek out a few moments to become socially-acceptible smooth.  That doesn’t seem quite fair.

*Kudos to anyone who recognizes the Upside Down Show reference in the title of this post.  The first person who can tell me in what context that phrase was used on the show wins a free imaginary ice cream cone.  Void where prohibited by law.

The next time I go back to have a hairdresser “fix” a bad haircut, please remind me of the Great Haircut Debacle of Easter 2008.  Oy.

My daughter has some health problems, including eating difficulties, allergies, and an immune disorder.  My  husband recently embarrassed me during an outing in which I was asked if I attended a mom’s Bible study.  I said “No, I wish I could but my daughter can’t attend the nursery so I’m stuck.”

My husband, who was nearby, said, “Well, she could, but…”

I was flabbergasted.  What the hell was he talking about? 

I could just feel the woman looking and me and thinking, “Right… Want to go to Bible study but you can’t because of the baby.  Surrrrreeee….”

I asked my husband right then and there what he meant.  In a follow up discussion later he admitted that he thought I wasn’t letting her go to nurseries and the like because of her food allergies - that I was afraid of food on the floor and such.   I asked him where he’d been the last six months since the immunologist told us to restrict her interaction with other children by avoiding nurseries/daycares/and so on.  He’d just missed it; he thought we were wiping her hands off at the mall every two seconds just because of a concern about her catching something, just like you would with any other kid.

Sigh.

My father-in-law is no better.  Everyone who has been within 10 feet of me knows that my daughter can only eat a few things.  Even casual friends (and in one case, their 10-year-old son), can recite her limited diet.  And yet recently my father-in-law offered my daughter a cracker.  A CRACKER!  And when we said she couldn’t have it, he asked “Why not?”

On what planet do these men reside?  I think I’d better keep an eye on my son.  Maybe this kind of ignorance is genetic.

Grocery shoppers should always be able to shop in confidence, knowing that that unwritten Cashier Commandment will be followed: Thou shalt not comment on the customer’s purchases.  Knowing that the conversations with the cashier will be limited to discussions of local sports teams and the weather allows the shopper to purchase potentially embarrassing items like scented, winged maxi pads, a copy of the National Enquirer, and condoms that are “ribbed for her pleasure.” 

Now, sometimes benign comments fit in well, like, “That’s my favorite flavor of Lean Cuisine,” or “isn’t that sale on Frosted Flakes amazing?”  But tonight my Publix cashier violated the Code of Silence by making fun of my ice cream. 

I was excited to discover that Ben & Jerrys makes single serving ice cream cups.  At a dollar a piece, this was a great find.  Or so I thought.  Then school-boy geekmeister  behind the cash register says, “I have to tell you.  I think these are ridiculous!  There’s like three spoonfuls in here!” The delivery of his opinion was snotty and superior, like his narrow ass could gulp a whole carton of ice cream with no repercussions to it’s width and overall level of flabbiness.

I was stunned.  Such a flagrant violation of the code shocked me into speechlessness, which is no small feat.  My excitement over the mini-Ben & Jerrys faded and I contemplated his unrequested criticism.  “Will there really be only three scoops?  Am I really so lame that I can’t buy a normal-sized icecream and eat reasonable-sized portions instead of horking down a thousand calories in three minutes?”

I wound up mumbling something about never seeing them before and hoping that they were good.  I should have worked up some comeback, but even now I don’t know what I should have said.  Maybe I should have burst into tears and poured out some story about trying to lose weight and my sick kid and how hard it is and how I just wanted this one little treat…  Damn!  I should have made a big scene, I bet I could have gotten all my groceries for free!

Anyway, the moral of the story is, cashiers, if you’re checking out someone’s stuff at the grocery store, pay attention to ringing it up right and not making fun of customer’s purchases.  Otherwise you might come up against someone who ISN’T too stunned to talk.  And I bet your manager wouldn’t like hearing what that someone has to say!