SnarkyMoms

I have a very dear relative visiting from out of town this week.  She is and Early Childhood Education expert and amazing with my kids and they just adore her.  My son, in particular, has really taken to her and wants to play everything from dinosaurs to chef with her.  This has taken a huge load off of me for the past few days since taking care of his banshee baby sister and my son’s needs to have a constant play companion is overwhelming at best. Anyways, yesterday as my son and my aunt were playing with his bowling set, he decided that he was over it and wanted to play shopping.  He starts gathering up the bowling pins and balls and putting them away, but then turns around and states “If you pay the money, you can have my balls!” with an enormous grin on his face.  For the love of God, I am just grateful that he’s a preschooler and not a high schooler uttering those words.   My husband and I were on the floor with this one! 

Seriously, this past week I have had two moms tell me how their children are the perfect sunshine and like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  NOT KIDDING.  This makes me wanna puke a little in my mouth when I hear crapwash like this.  Not only does it sounds ridiculously Hallmarkish, but come on….do you never, ever have a bad day with your kids?  Or maybe I’m just a selfish bitch who really needs some time to herself.  Maybe I’m the only one who has a kid with severe allergies and whose preschool thinks may have ADD, a baby with an incredibly temperamental disposition who screams and bites like a little wild monkey, and a husband whose work hours are so long and random that he’s rarely at home.  Ain’t no sunshine or pots of gold going on over here.  Just a lot of sleep deprivation, anxiety and a boat load of resentment towards the moms that skip around with butterflies around their heads and spew poetry about how absolutely perfect their kids and lives are.  Yuck.  Go away.  You annoy the hell outta me.

I swear, that every time we get our son a haircut his behaviour changes and he starts to mellow out.  As soon as his hair grows out and becomes disheveled he becomes Dennis the Menace x 1000.  Not sure why this is or if there is any scientific reason for it, but as long as short hair makes my son a sweeter, calmer boy I am all about playing the Delilah to his Samson.  Thank God for Supercuts around the corner….Without that cheap purveyor of coifs so close by I would totally be on-line desperately seeking a Flobee.

Ok, I know I am going to sound like a crazy bitch of a friend, but here goes anyways….. One of my best friends just got back from a trip to Disneyworld in Orlando with her 4 year old, 2 year old, and 3 month old (oh yeah and her husband went too) and after having a quick dinner out with her I think I officially hate her.  Let me preface this by saying that this friend of mine is not the type to sugar coat things.  She is blunt, honest and very real….and also very lucky.  Disgustingly lucky.  Her husband has her on the highest pedestal imagineable and when he is home from work she doesn’t have to lift a finger.  They also happen to have loads of money…but I don’t want to digress too much. So, this trip to Disneyworld, she described to me as being the most fun they have ever had on vacation.  She said she actually was so happy that she got to relax.  Relax?  The kids ate really well, slept 11 solid hours a night in the hotel room and kept their napping schedules.  WHAAAAAT?  Are you  serious?  I can’t even get my kids to do that AT HOME!  If we were to ever go on vacation with our two kids, I can guarantee you that I would be making a quick exit to a padded cell.  I hate that I feel so envious of my friend, but seriously….I want nothing more than to have an awesome experience like that with my family….and I know that it wouldn’t work out like that at all for us.   My kids would refuse to sleep, would throw fits and food at every eating establishment we went to and my husband and I would end up divorced.  I think my friend and her family are officially the Joneses…..not so much for the material things they have, but they truly have the most “perfect” family life outside of the silver screen I have ever seen. I’m happy for her, really….but can I please have a piece of that pie?

I just can’t wrap my brain around the fact that my son will turn down an amazing piece of steak at dinner telling us it’s “plucky, yucky and weird” yet half an hour later I’ll catch him deep sea diving into his nostril and eating whatever treasures he’s unburied from it.  How does that make any sense?  Preschoolers are aliens….I am completely convinced of that fact.

Ok, I have to divulge a dirty little secret….I have a crush on two celebrities.  Only thing is that they aren’t Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp  (ok, ok, Mr. Depp is definitely crush worthy but not in any way inappropriate….).  I have developed a “thing” for Anthony from the Wiggles and Steve the once upon a time host of Blue’s Clues.  Have you seen Steve recently?  He’s buff and bald and something of a rockstar.  Very cute.  And, well, Anthony is just so exuberant and has such dreamy eyes…. Have I lost my mind?  Maybe!  Or maybe I am just watching WAAAAAY too much Noggin and Sprout. 

If anyone finds sanity or some type of perpetual parental patience in pill or liquid form, please let me know where and when I can acquire some.  This week has been a complete crazy maker.  My kids are driving me to wit’s end…so much so that I barely have the words left to write about it.  Total insanity over here!  It’s like they are in on it together and hold these covert midnight meetings where they plan on who’s gonna push which one of mom’s buttons the next day.  That coupled with the 5am wake up times is enough to make me be the proud winner of a first class ticket for the crazy train.  I love my kids, but man, weeks like this make me wonder why we procreate in the first place.  Is it really supposed to be this painful?  Are you really supposed to feel so dragged through the mud at the end of each day only to have it repeat, a la Groundhog’s Day, the next?  Have mercy on all of us mothers.  Please!  And pass the sanity pills!

How is it possible that time passes so very slowly when your kids are awake and yet speeds up to roadrunner velocity when they are asleep?  I would really love to know how this works.

My son was always pretty cool about getting his diapers changed.  He only gave me a swift kick to the boobs once or twice as he flailed around during a change, but that was pretty much it.  Then he was potty trained by age two and the heavens parted, all was well.  That is, until my daughter came along. This little girl looks like an angel but has tiny horns implanted firmly on her head.  Love the girl, but my lord….she has kick boxed my tits (what little I have left of them) into oblivion and has near missed my chin on several occasions.  Other times she does this crazy crocodile (or is it an alligator that kills its prey by rolling it under water?) roll while I am trying to mad dash the wipes across her butt and wrangle a clean diaper on her.  She is lucky that cloth diapers with pins are a thing of the past.  With her moves the poor child would look like an acupuncture patient.  I am just SO over wrestling her every time I have to clean her bum up.  I understand she doesn’t like having to stop playing or chewing on whatever the toy du jour is, but does she really think I like getting poop under my fingernails?  Come on!  There are things I’d rather be doing too!  Changing dirty diaps while wrestling with a 21 pound WWF recruit ain’t my idea of good times!!!

I just have to throw this one in……my husband and I try (really, we do!) to keep our language G rated in front of the kids but once in a while an expletive will slip by and even though our 3 year old never seems to notice, he obviously is taking note because right after dinner tonight he was drawing a picture that really looked like some green stripes and brown blobs but he announced proudly to us that it was  ”a farm with a cow and a bullshit”. Thank God the grandparents live in another state.